There has been a lot of discussion about a right wing war on women. I don’t believe it, not for an instant. I do not believe that the conservatives of America are waging war on their wives, their daughters, their mothers. Quite the contrary! I am sure they are dedicated to the women in their lives, even fiercely dedicated to protecting their women.

And the women of America need protection. Have no doubt about that. There are so many problems to be faced, challenges to be overcome, and concerns to be addressed. For one thing, more women than ever are facing life without a man. More women than ever are single parents with children who depend on them. More than ever women are faced with earning a living and providing not only for their own frivolous needs but for the sustenance of their children, for paying the rent, and, yes, paying their taxes.

It is overwhelming being a woman today, and the conservative wing of the Republican Party wants to help. With that in mind, let us consider some of the battles in this so-called war on women. The best place to start: contraception and abortion.

As we well know, many women get pregnant without intending to do so. Indeed, we can certainly question if they even understand what that means. It is only after the fact, when one is faced with caring for a child that a woman can truly understand the condition into which she has gotten herself. To find oneself pregnant is beyond comprehension. Obviously the expectant mother needs to have her condition explained. Ultrasound is an important tool in making sure that she, despite her limitations, understands that we are talking about her pregnancy, her fetus, and her “child” being aborted. We must make sure that she sees reality, right?

Presumably, if that new awareness doesn't do the job and help her to make the “right” decision, we will have to find ways to guide her more convincingly. Surely, any woman seeking to terminate a pregnancy—even one that has resulted from rape or incest or that involves a severely handicapped fetus—must be mentally ill. Hopefully we can utilize the mental health laws the way that our fathers used Valium and other tranquilizers to keep women dancing as fast as they could.

As for contraception itself, it is questionable that pretty-headed women can decide what contraceptive method is best for them, especially since there are great moral implications to such a decision. Discussions with ones physician can be so confusing, particularly if ones sex education has not been well grounded in abstinence. Certainly the idea that a woman should be able to freely buy the pill flies in the face of logic. Only those more competent, namely men and especially employers, are capable of deciding whether contraception is called for. In the end, this is a moral decision, and we all know that women are not capable of moral judgment.

We must be very careful of mistakes. God is wrathful when people sin. If homosexuality could lead to New Orleans being visited by Hurricane Katrina, can we even imagine what woeful consequences wrongful use of contraceptive pills might call forth on America? Given the grave potential consequences, assuredly employers should be allowed and prepared to fire women who go against such moral imperatives.

As important as sexuality might be, we must recognize that there are other decisions which are so overwhelming and so consequential that no woman should have to make them. Particularly there is the subject of wages. If women were sure that they could earn as much as men, they would lack the incentive to be dependent.  Since dependency is the natural state of women, they must be protected from wage equality. Employers must be allowed to protect women from narcissistic greed. Otherwise women might become wrapped up in their independence and careers and forget their primary functions as mothers and wives.

Perhaps even worse, with extra money in their pocketbooks, women might show their characteristic lack of judgment and restraint and spend money on clothes and personal care, behavior which would cause men to stalk and even to commit rape. Oh, yes, we must be careful of those loose women who would lead us astray.

To put it in brief, women must be protected from themselves. Potentially dangerous decisions must be taken from their hands. And our right wing friends are determined to provide that protection.

I know that there is some confusion about this since there are other decisions that conservatives want to privatize, decision which women would then be expected to make. For example, Social Security would be replaced by individual investment plans, and vouchers would be substituted for Medicare. Fear not! There will soon be an enormous cadre of advisers ready to help, salesmen who will have the individual’s best interest at heart—perhaps some of the now underutilized mortgage brokers could find employment in these new markets.

Yes, with any luck, our right wing brethren will remove most of the concerns that currently overwhelm American women. Soon only one concern will stand in the way of their total freedom from worry. That concern is voting.

Not to worry, ladies. In the planning stage are the uber-women, political mistresses like Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter, Sharron Angle and Michelle Bachmann: women who will cast your ballots for you. That will be just as well since it is becoming so difficult to get the identity papers one needs to vote.

So, let those conservative protectors of our liberties take the worry out of your pretty little hands. Ladies, you concentrate on the important decisions which should be yours, the ones that the right wants to make sure you have time to consider:

How to convince the family that they need no meat, which you can’t afford, to go with the Hamburger Helper?

 

How to dress in a way that will make your employer happy?

 

How to train your children to accept that they can never be part of the one percent?

 

 

 

Political satire by Kenneth Weene  

 

Please remember, this is satire and not the author’s beliefs.