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FIRST PAGE THE ALL IMPORTANT PAGE TO GET PUBLISHED.

Mark Christensen
Thursday, 01 August 2013
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As writers, we hear and know, the first page is the most critical page we can compose. It is the page that decides if the reader gets gripped enough to turn the page. It is the page that elicits the publsihers editors intersts to contract our works. Both my books, "11th Commandment" and "The Seed" i am adding my first page to this discussion to create discussion on these two first pages to get insight into other writers minds what they think of my first pages and see if i could have done anything better or more. So please read them and give me your feed back, as it will not just help me in the furture, but will also help those not yet published, so they have the chance now to go back and revisit their first pages and maybe help them create the spellbinding first page they wil need to get their contract one day. Mark Christensen.
 
11TH COMMANDMENT:
 
CHAPTER ONE
 I was sitting in my living room trying to relax when the sound of the phone made me jump. 
 We were in the middle of negotiations for the biggest deal of my life, expanding our business operations throughout Colorado with a dozen new stores, and I was on edge. I'd come a lot further than I ever had any right to expect, out from the trailer parks and duplexes of my youth to the affluent suburbs of Denver. When I was a teenager working in a discount department store, mopping floors until the smell of ammonia washed into the skin of my hands, alone under the fluorescent lights in empty aisles, I had dreamed of one day owning the store. The thought of buying out my old employers and expanding from two stores to fourteen was beyond what I had ever hoped for. Now, the day was here, and my nerves were frayed -- the owner's tax problems were holding everything up.
 On the second ring, I reached across the coffee table, picked up the cordless, and jabbed the "talk" button.
 "Herman’s”, I answered.
 "Keith, this is Louis.” Louis Brennan, my attorney, had a deep, brusque voice that reminded me of a drill sergeant.
 "What's the word?" I asked.
 
 "It's not good. Himmelman's not making the tax problem go away, and the IRS is threatening to sic their dogs on him. If he doesn't fork over the taxes and the penalties, they're going to put a lien on the stores."
 
 THE SEED:
 
<div class="WordSection1">
Chapter One
 
 It's the rhythmic hiss and click of the ventilator I remember. I knew the noise was necessary; the machine was pumping oxygen into her, keeping her alive. It should have been a hopeful noise, a signal to me that she still lived, still had a chance, but after days and weeks and months of the constant hiss, click, hiss, it only irritated me. 
I could not believe my life would go on without her. Why did the moon continue to shine so brightly? Why did the landscape I saw through her hospital window look unchanged? The world was coming to an end. The woman who had raised me, loved me, and taught me, might leave me. 
</div>
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 200%; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;"> 
She has been through so much; her body seemed to be giving up. It's New Year's Day and I had promised to have her home by Christmas. It seems there is no end to the tortures she must endure. 
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">Last night, one of her doctors came in and told me the antibiotics she's been on are causing a massive allergic reaction. This morning I noticed her skin had turned beet red. 
 
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;"> 1: Is their conflict and resolution?
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;"> 2: What draws you as the reader in?
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;"> 3: What about the character elicists your intrest?
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;"> 4: Would you turn the page and why?
 
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">I hope this begins a meningful discussion on our writing styles and hope it helps anyone out there completing their mss before sending them out for sale. If i could have brought anything more up or asked, please add to this discussion so we can all learn from this. 
 
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA;">Best Wishes, Keep the creativity flowing: Mark Christensen Author.

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Amanda Firth

11 years ago

Accepted Answer

11th Commandment

1: Is their conflict and resolution?
Yes there is conflict and resolution.

2: What draws you as the reader in?
It drew me in when you said that the main character wanted the store and then it turns out that something bad was happening to the store. i makes me wonder what is going to happen next.

3: What about the character elicists your intrest?
His determination

4: Would you turn the page and why?
Yes I would turn the page and its because it immediately got my attention and i would want to know what to know what happens next

the seed

1: Is their conflict and resolution?
Yes there is conflict and resolution

2: What draws you as the reader in?
how much the guy is worried for this person.

3: What about the character elicists your intrest?
His hope

4: Would you turn the page and why?
yes i would turn the page and i would want to know what the guy was going to do in this situation

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Author Karen Ann Sullivan

11 years ago

Accepted Answer

Regarding "The Seed"

1: Is their conflict and resolution?

Yes, There are several conflicts here. There is his conflict with the pending death of his mother, the conflict with himself, his war of emotions; broken promise to his mom about "home by Christmas," and having to watch the tortures she's enduring, how he will continue with or without her.

2: What draws you as the reader in?

I am already gripped by the details; how he's handling the annoyance of the constant hiss and click, (i.e. whether he will continue to tolerate, explode, or come unglued,) why he may possibly feel guilty for feeling annoyed by the sound, how he can barely understand how life outside continues as though his world isn't hanging in the balance just as much as his mom's is.

3: What about the character elicits your interest?

Due to the demeanor of the character and the fact that he's very relateable, I want to know him better. I'm curious if he has anyone else in the world to turn to, what will determine his future and how it will continue.

4: Would you turn the page and why?

I want to turn the page. I want to know what makes this character tick, what becomes of his mother and how he handles the outcome. This is a character I can identify with. I want to know how he progresses and how he decides to proceed.

Regarding "The Seed"

1: Is their conflict and resolution?

Yes, There are several conflicts here. There is his conflict with the pending death of his mother, the conflict with himself, his war of emotions; broken promise to his mom about "home by Christmas," and having to watch the tortures she's              enduring, how he will continue with or without her.

2: What draws you as the reader in?

I am already gripped by the details; how he's handling the annoyance of the constant hiss and click, (i.e. whether he will continue to tolerate, explode, or come unglued,) why he may possibly feel guilty for feeling annoyed by the sound, how he can barely understand how life outside continues as though his world isn't hanging in the balance just as much as his mom's is.

3:  What about the character elicits your interest?

Due to the demeanor of the character and the fact that he's very relateable, I want to know him better. I'm curious if he has anyone else in the world to turn to, what will determine his future and how it will continue.

4:   Would you turn the page and why?

I want to turn the page. I want to know what makes this character tick, what becomes of his mother and how he handles the outcome. This is a character I can identify with. I want to know how he progresses and how he decides to proceed.

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